Stick Dog Outbreak Being Reported in Midwestern and Southern States

Recently I spoke with Earl Grouper, Jr. of the US Department of Agronomics and Cultural Introversity (USACI) and he told me of a “new and dangerous outbreak” of the “Stick Dog Phenomena” that has surfaced certain Midwestern and Southern states within the USA. Stick Dog Phenomena (known as SDP) is a rare but serious situation where domestic dogs suddenly turn their attention to sticks they find and chew on them until they become mulch - usually hardwood mulch, but at times, pine bark mulch or even just regular mulch.

The danger being posed (known as DBP) here is explained well in my interview with Earl:

Ned: You have been reporting that an outbreak of Stick Dog Phenomena (SDP) has struck suburban America in some locations.

Earl: Yes, in parts of the Midwest and South.

Ned: Tell us about SDP.

Earl: Well, it is a situation we consider grave. I mean serious.

Ned: What is SDP?

Earl: It is a situation where you find suburban dogs picking up sticks they find and grinding the sticks into small pieces - much like you would see them chewing on steak bones.

Ned: I see. Why is this an issue?

Earl: Well, dogs that chew sticks grind them into such small particles that the particles are unusable and must be discarded. That’s the DBP of it all.

Ned: I don’t understand. Why is this an issue or a problem?

Earl: You don’t understand the implications of this behavior among dogs. First of all, especially if you extrapolate this practice, it has severe implications for industry, commerce, ecology, the environment, our culture and lastly the American Way.

Ned: Please explain.

Earl: I will. Since we no longer have urban areas or rural areas in this country we find this issue in our suburban populace areas. Stick Dogs occur in these highly dense locations and are destroying the ecosystem of the habitat.

Ned: What do you mean “we have no urban or rural areas” in this country?

Earl: Well, well we don’t. Look, look all urban areas are considered war zones and we have driven the farmers out of their land and just paid them to not grow crops or raise critters so we buy those things from Mexico or other countries in Central and South America. So essentially there is no urban or rural parts of this country intact, just the suburban parts.

Ned: I see. How does SDP play into this as a threat?

Earl: SDP is an issue that may well radically change the culture and economics of our land. What I mean by that is, if we have no sticks, then certain things we have taken for granted and things that we expect to happen just might not occur again.

Ned: Please explain.

Earl: Well, you have certainly heard the expression “let the sticks fall where they may” or “pick up sticks” or “do you have your sticks with you?” These are all expressions that will disappear in our culture to say nothing about the impact on the Oriental Food industry or the Toy industry or our Landscaping businesses as well as Sports and Recreation and the general vernacular in this society.

Ned: I’m not sure I am following you here. Please explain.

Earl: Certainly you are aware that sticks, as a group of things, play a major role in how we communicate, relate, and exist in our suburban culture. Let me explain that. We all have said “let the sticks fall where they may” and if there are no more sticks then this phrase will have no meaning. In the same way, Pick-up-sticks as a childs’ game will disappear and when golfers ask if their buddies have their sticks (or clubs) with them, no one will understand. So this disappearance of sticks could be serious and a threat to many things we have taken or granted in America up to now.

Ned: Huh. I see. Tell me more.

Earl: Well, we at USACI are not taking this change in a casual manner. Nope, even our President has noticed this happening in the White House (he has a dog you know) and he is concerned and told us to give this issue our top priority going forward. So we have launched a multi-billion dollar effort to stem the tide of SDP throughout the USA and our territories. We are doing this through a series of awareness communications, articles like this one and we plan on a major media blitz in a few years - probably in 2017.

Ned: Can you give us a sneak-peek?

Earl: Sure. Here’s a photo of one of these vicious dogs we think is stricken with SDP:

Notice his demeanor. He looks as though he might want to growl, bear his teeth and become violent with you. This is dangerous and a threat. This dog is typical of one stricken with SDP. You need to be wary of a dog like this.

Ned: What are the early warning signs of SDP?

Earl: You may notice sticks laying around the house like this:

Then a pile of them on your deck or courtyard (depending on your suburban location), like this:

Or even small scrapes of chewed up sticks scattered about. Take notice and be aware of these clues.  These dogs might appear innocuous or non-threatening, but don’t be fooled. They are dangerous and need to be watched and monitored throughout the day for suspicious behaviors. Mostly picking up sticks and chewing on them without regard to the consequences. They might even gather in groups to do this unnoticed by their owners.  Here's a couple of them we caught planning a stick-chewing event in their neighborhood:

We have even discovered that these dogs will conceal their intentions and disguise themselves, like this one did:

You have to admit, he doesn't look like he might be a Stick Dog, but we're sure he is one of them, since we've actually caught him in the act (as it were).

Be aware and cautious of these types of dogs in your home and in your suburban areas.  They pose a threat to us all and we're going to take action against them and their kind.

Ned:  Interesting.  Who else is involved in the effort?

Earl:  My boss and Chief of Staff for the USACI, Petey Snapper, as well as the President's appointed advisor, Nancy Halibut, have all weighed in as supporters of what we have planned.  The First Lady, in fact, has decided to emphasize this in her frequent speeches to grammar school students to raise awareness among suburban families.  So we think we're getting the exposure we need to stem the tide of this serious issue in our country.

Ned:  Thanks, Earl, for all the information.  It makes me feel real good that our federal government is on top of all the serious issues of our times.  I'll want to pledge more of my funds to your efforts ...  I am so sure.  Satirically speaking, that is.